It’s my blog and I’ll say what I want to…. well, write what I want to

Every post need pretty pictures. Right? Picked through a few of mine…..

You don’t’ write about problems on a food blog. You don’t spill your heart out to people that you don’t know (and people that you do know) on the blog because they’re only here for recipes, or crafts or giveaways.

They most likely won’t care or read it, so don’t do it. And for the people you do know in real life, they’ll mostly likely roll their eyes, come to the conclusion that you MUST be talking about them with every sentence they read even though you probably weren’t even thinking about them while you wrote it, and then you’ll get 100 messages or texts that say “Oh my gosh were you talking about me?!?”

I’ve told myself that a hundred times. But then again, it’s my blog. I never said it was only a food blog, although that is kind of what I call it. It just happens to mostly have recipes because that’s what I like to blog about. I’d never go into super detailed stuff about other people’s problems on the blog but I suppose I can go into as much detail as I want or don’t want with my own. Like I said It’s my blog and I’ll say what I want to…. well, write what I want to….

On that note, the main reason that I’m even writing these, err typing these words right now is because I am happy. I’m not writing them to complain about how awful life has been to me, or how much better I deserve. No Way!

I am happier now than I’ve been in a long, long time. I just want to write. I use to write all of the time. But when I write, I just write. It might make a lot of sense, it might make none. I’m sorry if it’s the later. I’d prefer that everything that flowed from my mind made sense 😉

Flamingos at Disney’s Animal Kingdom – May 2013

When we moved back to Virginia in 2009. I was almost more alone in VA than I had been in Jacksonville. I had gained weight, started to have panic attacks, we had no jobs, I had come back to a city that I didn’t want to be in, heck we couldn’t even stay in a house we liked. We lived in 4 different places from 2009-2012. I was still only in contact with a handful of my friends (if that) since I had left and even though I had tried to make friends in Jacksonville and had indeed had fun down there, I had turned into a fat hermit. I was still that fat hermit when I came back to VA.

I wanted nothing more than to be accepted by my family, BigBears’ family and all of our friends as well as new friends, well I suppose I should say that I wanted to feel accepted by all of those people. Because I knew deep down that my parents and BigBears’ parents loved us unconditionally because that’s what parents do. But in that quest to gain what I felt like was an acceptance, I turned into a person I didn’t want to be.

(Jasper didn’t want me to leave in June when I went to Missouri)

I gossiped and I judged. It was awful. Even when I was doing it, I was sad on the inside because I didn’t want to do it. But I did it because that’s what I felt like I was pushed into it, pushed into it so that I would be accepted by some and let into their “group”. I was being accepted and loved and it felt good. It felt really good. But it wasn’t good.

 I gossiped about people that I didn’t even want to gossip about because other people seemed to feed off of that and I wanted those other people to take me in.  I wanted everyone to love me so I tried to show them what they wanted to see instead of just being me. (Now I’ve always vented about people. I won’t deny that. I’ve vented when people hit my nerves but before that was only to my best friends, and since I don’t claim to be perfect, I will indeed for the rest of my life probably vent about people) This however was not venting. This was me just being a *beep* bad word, because I wanted to be in the center of all of this “love”.

Our flight over a rainbow

I wanted 100 people to call my friends and my loves, instead of keeping a handful close. I wanted it all. I wasn’t content with 1 best friend, I was greedy. I wasn’t content with my own wonderful family, I was again, greedy. I was an idiot. 

But in the end those people that wanted gossip from me, in turn gossiped about me, and then those 100 people that I wanted to fall in love with to be accepted by were pretty darn OK with throwing words of what ” Angie had said” and even things that I had not said to save their on tails. Because at the end of the day when I thought all was right in the world, snakes were slithering behind my back with a whole trail of “Guess what Angie said about you“‘s I suppose I deserved it. That’s an awful thing to say. But what kind of person was I? I rotten one. A lost one. A lonely one.

Until something happened. Something happened! Well a few things happened,  and it was like I was struck by lightning. Everything was so clear and I literally said to myself “WHAT have I been tangled up in these past 5 years, WHO have I been tangled up in these past 5 years” These people that I “disliked” and gossip about, I don’t hate them. I love them, why am I doing this. I want to be a part of their lives, not destroy them. As The Waterboy’s mamma would say “Gossip is the devil” haha

I’ve made amends with the people I needed wanted to make amends with. I’ve put exactly who I want in my life into my life. I stay close to a handful of people that I love with all my heart now and they in-turn they love me. *If you’re still around, I’m glad to have you around hugs!!!*  I’ve pretty much pushed the negative out. I guess I should say that I’m trying to push all the negative out. It almost feels like spring cleaning… with a blow torch and a pick axe. haha Blogging helped pull me out from the deep as well. I probably would have been totally lost had I not had an outlet to escape too, so that’s why I write, that’s why I share. So thank you to everyone that’s been there to read and comment. Thank you to my real friends and family for being amazing! You totally rock.

My heart literally is full of life and love. Big Bear even commented on my love of life just the other night, he told me that he has seen a change in me in the last 6 months. I had been happier and wanted to be out and about in the world more. I think he likes it 😉

My next tattoo

I’m happier than I’ve been in a long, long time. I don’t know exactly what life has in store for me for the next 5 years. But I do know that I’m taking control of it. It’ll include my BigBear, My Family, My Friends, the Blog and a whole ton of traveling. And no where near was much negative energy if I can help it!

Our Beach Vacation from Christmas last year