It’s a novel. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stop. I have been debating on if I should write about anything other than recipes and trips for the past year. It’s always been in the back of my mind and normally I type things out and then double press that backspace button faster than the speed of sound.
I freak out about writing about personal problems because I feel like I’ll get the exact same response that I get in real life when I try to talk about something that’s really emotionally bothering me..and that’s a lot of eye rolls and people brushing it off to change the subject. People that are suppose to be there to listen to me. I’ve pretty much stopped trying to make excuses for people, I just listen to their problems now and try to be the supportive friend for their issues instead.
Tonight I saw a post from a semi local girl named Whitney Thore about the #ImNoAngel campaign that Lane Bryant started on Monday. I say “semi local” because Whitney is local but lives about an hour from me in Greensboro,NC. She doesn’t know that I exist but I know her as “Producer Whitney” from a local radio station (107.5KZL) and she made me laugh on the way to work many times. You might know her from her new TV show, My Big Fat Fabulous Life. I swear that this woman has more confidence in her pinky toe than I have had in my entire life.
I watched one of Whitney’s videos over on the TLC channel a few nights ago and just re-watched it now, it’s called Getting Support from Mom & Dad, you can jump over and watch it but long story short, it’s a little clip about Whitney talking about her Dr. Appointments and wanting to be happy and a few well intended comments from her dad about her needing to loose weight. I’ve heard more of those speeches from doctors, family and friends for a long as I can remember. I’ve never felt like I was enough, I was ok but I would be perfect if I got to the next step. No one was concerned about the toll it took on me, they saw a problem that deserved their opinion but that was it.
— “You’d do better with blogging is you lost that weight, maybe you could get your own TV show” – so that’s the secret to success, dangit!
— “You’d sell more pampered chef items if you lost weight, no one wants to buy products if they think they’ll make them fat” – geez thanks
—“You lost 15 pounds? Keeping at it because you’re still not as small as you were when you got married”
–“You should try this gluten free, dairy free, taste free meal option” – I don’t remember asking for your menu advice and that sounds gross.
–“You mean you DON’T eat all of those sweets and all of that food you put on your blog? What do you DO with it?” — shocking I know, I don’t sit around and eat 24 cupcakes at a time. Shame on me…I give them away! geez
I’ll be honest with you. I don’t like much about me.
Damn….. right?
That wasn’t very nice.
Ok, well, I like my freckles, sometimes they make me look tanner than I really am. And sometimes I like my fingernails when I’ve had them done at the nail salon. My smile is ok too, when I’ve used enough teeth whiten to make sure that there isn’t a smudge of tint to them other than pearly while.
I don’t remember the last time I looked at a photo of myself or looked at myself in the mirror and seriously thought “You’re enough, you’re rocking this and you’re great just like that.” Maybe when I was 5. Sometimes I can get to the “well, at least you don’t look like totally crap” phase when flipping through pictures.
It’s more often the total opposite with a good 20 minutes of pointing out what’s wrong with my face, hair, outfit or body and making resolutions that I won’t uphold.
I wasn’t big when I was little. I was quite thin actually. I started gaining weight when I was probably in 4th grade (that was the first time I looked at a school photo of myself and thought “eww”) and I stayed chunky until I hit 11th grade.
Hell, when I was in high school I did a total flip between my 10th grade year and the last two years. I left the 10th grade with braces, frizzy poofy hair, I was overweight and wore baggy clothes. I returned to school my 11th grade year, with straight/white teeth, straight hair (thank you lord I had learned how to operate a hair straighter), I was the smallest I had ever been, my clothes were cute and I was dating a senior. I had people in my homeroom that didn’t even realize it was me and it was awesome. This was also the point in my life when half of a cheeseburger made me feel like I was so full I was going to explode and I was skipping breakfast and lunch. Ok, maybe I would have chips or french fries for lunch and if was sneaky I could eat them without looking like a piggy.
Even then, I had friends and some family members that were more than willing to let me know that it wouldn’t hurt to loose a pound or two or more. No matter how much I didn’t eat or how little I weighed, my friends were 100 times smaller than me. Looking back now, I realize that we were all ridiculously tiny, but it didn’t feel that way back then.
In high school and in college, I thought about my weight 95% of the time. Even now, it’s always in my mind. No matter what I’m doing, no matter where I am, “Do I look fat?” is constantly steaming through my head. If you see me out and about, I can bet you my life that it’s in my mind. I’m wondering if you’re judging me. Are you thanking your lucky stars that you didn’t gain weight like me. It’s like on repeat, just sitting there above everything else that’s happening in my life.
I don’t know what it is about fat or chunky comments that literally engrave themselves into my brain. If you’ve ever made a comment or joke about my weight, believe me, it’s there and I’m constantly reminding myself of it. Oh and if you’ve ever said anything to me about someone else being fat, I’ve thrown that into the pile too.
I cheered for my college’s football team for one year. I wasn’t fat, well I mean now that I look back on photos, I wasn’t huge. Maybe I wasn’t as freaking tone as some of the other girls but I wasn’t a manatee. I quit cheering because my boyfriend (at the time — the one from high school) came to see me cheer at one of our games and after the game, I ran up to him and asked him how the liked the game and the cheering and he responded with “It was ok, but you need to loose that weight in your arms if you want to cheer.” — He also broke up with me the night before homecoming. — not really because of that but yeah, I quit cheering and I sunk into an ugly dark depression.
I again lost weight. I started working at a restaurant in town and I was on my feet for hours at a time. I went to class in the mornings and between walking for 9 hours a day/night and sleeping all day after class until my shift started I started to thin out even more. Even then, being pretty small, I was still wearing large work shirts when the other girls were wearing smalls. I was eating salads before work as my “one meal of the day” and ,still, I wasn’t enough. I felt huge and gross.
A waiter that worked a lot of the same shifts as me, who I won’t name, was never shy about joking around that I needed to eat another salad or that I needed to spend more time in the tanning beds or at the gym. Jokes, I assume they were jokes because I laughed them off and I did hang out with him a few times outside of work (in a group that is) and we always had fun but he was always there to remind me that more lettuce never hurt anyone. :
Even one of the guys that I had a mini crush on at the restaurant made me turn the other way when he openly expressed his disgust of “fat people” one day as a group of people entered the restaurant, a group of people that I knew and loved. And from that moment on I questioned if all he saw was a short chubby girl when he looked at me. I secretly wish I had had a arm spasm and knocked him in the nose.
I have literally had the panic of “being fat” following me around for the past 2 decades.
I actually didn’t really get fat until after I got married. Yep. When I look back on photos from when I was younger, I was thin. I didn’t feel it then and when I think about those times I still feel huge but the photos show a girl who hated the “fat” thin girl she saw in the mirror. I’ve got one photo from a party back in 2005 and when I see myself, I think “DAMN, eat something, Angie”, but I also remember the night that photo was taken and remember that I didn’t want to be at the party because I felt bigger than the other girls there and felt out of place.
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| That’s me, on the right. So huge right? Um No… but I felt like it. |
When I got married I weighted about 125. I was the happiest I had ever been. I had met the most amazing man, fell in love with him and was loved by him like I didn’t think I could be. I was a young bride and I was finally at what I thought was my perfect weight. I still wasn’t thrilled with photos that were taken of me but I also didn’t want to rip them into shreds. {I cried after my bridal portraits were done because I hated how I looked in them yet now it’s one of my favorite photos and I have it hanging in my living room)
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| That’s me at my wedding in 2007 |
That happiness with “me” lasted for 5 months.
I was on Depo-Provera, it completely got rid of the worst cramps of my life and it regulated my hormones. Most people gain weight on it. I lost weight and had tons of energy. (I didn’t know it was regulating anything, all I knew was that those cramps went away, I was loosing weight…oh and that pesky monthly female torture time had been shut off!Young me thought that this was the best thing to happen in the history of history).
When we moved to Camp Lejeune, I decide that at the beginning of summer that I would just try regular birth control pills (too much info for a food blog? Sorry) and my body freaked out.
Along with the hormones in my body just literally saying “F You”, I was spending the first summer of my marriage 4 hours away from home in a military town with a new husband, no friends and no job. I ended up finding a work at home job (I worked for DirecTV….possibly the worst job ever, 12 hour shifts of listening to people scream in my ear about their damn tv not working) but that meant I had gone from a 9 hour shift on my feet as a waitress to a 12 hour shift on my butt. I was also in full housewife mode and I was teaching myself to cook and eating more than I had in the past 5 years.
My job at DirecTv was literally, me in my “home office” (our spare bedroom with the door shut) for 12 hours straight. Alone. Listening to people yell and cuss and just be damn hateful all because they’re TV wasn’t working just like they wanted it to. Listen to that for 12 hours and tell me that your head won’t want to explode. I had my first melt down half way through one of my shifts about 2 months into our marriage. I ripped the cord from my phone mid call, called Thomas and sat in the middle of the living room on our tiny little house on base and cried like an insane person and I couldn’t breath and I couldn’t stop.
I gained 80 pounds in 6 months.
I lived in my Pjs and sweat pants. Because, hell, who needs real clothes when you’re working in your home office 12 hours a day and you never go anywhere.
I don’t know when it happened to be honest. When Did I realize that I had gotten huge? Probably when we got ready to go the beach for a family vacation and I couldn’t fit into anything. The summer before was the first time in history that I had wore a two piece on the beach and this summer I was marshmallow puff. Even my hubby says that “it happened over night”.
I went to doctor after doctor on base and they couldn’t have gave two flying flips about why I was there. Their only advice was “go to the gym and eat less”. I got a personal trainer at the gym on base who was also not helpful. The first day he made me do lots of tests, weighted me and measured me. He walked me out to the machines pointed to them and said “Do 15 reps on all of those.” He went back to his office and I left after an hour of pain and sweat. I didn’t see him again.
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| Me, Summer of 2008. According to the personal trainer on base I was “morbidity obese”, This was also one of my vacation photos that I showed to a certain family member and when I asked if I look fat in this photo, they responded with “Kinda, yeah”. |
When BigBear deployed to Iraq in the summer of 2008, I quit my job and focused on me. I had started having panic attacks and I needed a break from everything. I spent the summer, hanging with my new friend Tara, going to the beach on base, going to the gym, taking yoga, taking belly dancing classes and ONTOP OF THAT I forcing myself to walk miles and miles each morning through our neighborhood and down the country roads we lived by. My poor dogs hated me, my feet and legs hated me. I lived off of pre-packaged nutrisystem when I was at home and slim fast drinks. I did loose some weight, but not a lot. I lost enough to wear a bathing suit again (a full bathing suit, no more cute 2 pieces for me…ever) and I felt semi pretty the day I stood on base and watched my husband step off of the bus after way too many months in the desert.
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| Fall of 2008, waiting on base for Big Bear’s’ homecoming from Iraq |
Right before Thomas came home that summer, I started having the worst pains in my body that I had ever had in my life. Something was wrong with the bottom half of my stomach and I literally thought I was going to pass out. The pain shot through me, I felt the blood rush to my face and I hit the ground. Thankfully it was in my living room/hallway and my friend Tara (who was there) took me to the ER. Again, military doctors, no cares in the world and I was giving a shot and a z-pack and sent on my way.
Thomas got out of the military in 2009, he had a rough time adjusting to civilian life and finding a job. He had some health things that needed to be taken care of so I put myself onto the back burner. We moved back home to VA and I got my job back waiting tables. But this time I hated it. I didn’t adjust well and had a mini break down. I quit and when I say I quit, I just literally quit one day because I had a breakdown and I couldn’t handle it anymore. My parents hired me to work in their office and that helped me pay our bills.
I went back on Depo but this time because I wanted to use it against getting prego. We were going through enough, I didn’t want to accidently bring a baby into our screwed up life right then. My stress went up and my weight again went through the roof. After 3 moves, 2 jobs and a crappy farm house with no heat and no air, I had had as much as I could take and depression rolled back around. This time though I had a husband to take care of and bills to pay. BigBear was battling a depression too but unlike mine, I viewed his as being the most important and then biggest demon that we were facing.
I’ll admit it, though I didn’t talk about it on the blog, food blogging and cooking for the blog was one of the ways I kept my head a float. Even if no one came to read the blog and even if I got picked on by my friends for staying in the kitchen and cooking “all day”, it was there and I could share the recipes that I loved, the meal that I was making in my kitchen….the stability in a world that I felt was crashing down around me.
But through all the bad that was going on around me, I also have to take care of myself. How could I be there for my husband if I couldn’t handle myself.
My pain after every meal had returned and one morning I woke up with the worst pain in my chest and stomach. At first I thought it was just a tummy issue but after I got up and laid on the couch for about half an hour, I realized that my chest felt like it was getting ready to break in half and I couldn’t breath. My husband was a Volunteer Medic/Firefighter, tossed me into the car, drove us to the fire dept that he was a member of while radioing for someone to meet him at the fire dept to drive the ambulance. Literally the most terrifying trip of my life. I was put into the back of an ambulance and my husband switched into medic mode and hooked me up to weird wires and heart monitors. I barley remember the ride, it’s almost like remembering a dream. Later on I learned that what I had experienced was “Pleurisy”, that’s when there is inflammation of the tissues that line the lungs and chest cavity. It also mimics a heart attack and it freaking hurts.
So between that and the panic attacks, weight gain, my womanly body functions MIA found and the fact that I was still getting sick every time I ate, it was time to visit some more doctors.
That led to Duke doctor visits, tons of Dr. visits and procedures here in VA (I’ve had more blood draw and thyroid checks that one needs to have in a life time) and a liver biopsy at Duke….a full filled trip of having them plunge a huge needle into my side. Still after all of that, most of the doctors ended our visits with “Just work out and loose weight and you’ll be fine.” I’ll never forget the 500 pound looking woman doctor at Duke listening to me tell her about my healthy issues, struggle to loose weight and concerns and her looking at me and saying “You just need to loose weight” and waddle away. — ok that was mean of me to say but @#%&@%$&@%$ are you freaking kidding me. One doctor even told me that the gym would do nothing for me and I just needed to cut down to the smallest amount of food possible and that would fix me.
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| Christmas (2009?) after lots of weight gain |
I didn’t even get a smudge of helpfulness until I started seeing my new “woman doctor” here in VA. I expressed my concerned about everything and she as well just brushed me off and told me to loose weight. I went back a year later and told her that wasn’t enough. I was stilling having all of my issues and I couldn’t get pregnant. Whoa….again….too much for a blog? Sorry just cover your ears.
By that point, I’d been off of birth control for a while but nothing was happening and when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING as far as what women should experience normally. That’s when after many test and examines, my doctor was convinced it was PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). Just typing those letters make me want to throw up. You can read about it here if you want to, it’s got lots of fun symptoms and my doctor also told me that she’s sure that it’s the reason that I was gaining weight and couldn’t loose it. I was put on hormone pills and those pills forced womanly monthly functions that were so painful that I had to stop taking them.
And then it was there, one of the big reasons that I gained my weight and can’t get rid of it. No matter how many people, family members, friends or doctors think that a few less meals and more time at the gym will solve all of my problems, I finally had a medical answer as to why I couldn’t make it just happen.
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| 2013 – my first time on TV and I panicked for a week before this because “TV adds weight” — great, just what I needed |
Most women won’t talk about their dealings with PCOS or infertility or weight problems that come with it. It’s like a dirty secret that no one needs to know about. I mentioned it on my Facebook about a year ago and got so many e-mails and messages from friends that are dealing with the same thing but haven’t spoken about it because it’s not something that people just bring up in random conversation. Ps. if you’re one of those woman who’s ashamed and sad just know that you’re not alone. I know it doesn’t make it any easier but at least you’re not some weirdo that’s all alone. 🙂
But even with a name and medical reason I still hate it and I still freak out about being fat. I cry in dressing rooms and constantly wonder if people in public are judging me. If the topic of obesity in America comes up or someone makes a comment about foods that make you fat or the gym, I automatically feel a thousand eyes baring down on my neck….and hips…and thighs. It’s probably not really happening, it might be but it feel like it is. My best friend and I went out for drinks the other night. I hate going out for the very reason of just feeling like a giant blob but I agreed to a night out and I needed a drink. We met a lady at the bar that we started chatting with, she was a bigger woman but she had no issues with it and she let us know many times. Which was awesome until she uttered the words “Ain’t no shame in being bigger, girl! Us Big girls gotta stick together.” She then proceeded to “drop it low” in the middle of the bar and I begged for a lighting bolt to strike me down.
A lot of the foods that we normally eat now are ridiculously healthy, we (BigBear and I) went on a 30 day whole foods challenge last year and it opened my eyes to so much. This is the best I’ve ever eaten in my life and I feel good, but my body shape wouldn’t tell you that. I love fruits, I’ve converted my husband into a veggie lover and I’m a freak about checking labels. Now do I still eat regular boxed food, um yeah… but not even close to how much I use to. I didn’t give up all of my favorite foods but I’ll tell you that there are more lean meats, fruits and veggies in my grocery cart that ever before. The past year has been amazing as far as me being even more active and eating good food. I can’t sit still unless I’m writing a post (even then I have to take tons of breaks because I hate being still), unless I’m at work, I’m always on my feet.
My body shape however tells you that I sit in front of my TV and binge on M&Ms and Cheese Puffs. That is how the world see’s big people. They automatically see them as lazy people that eat fast-food and junk all day. Now I’m not saying that all big people have medical issues, I’m just saying that not all larger people are that way because of late night double cheeseburgers and milkshakes for breakfast.
Do you know how many times I’ve wanted a milkshake this year!! Gaw!!! But have I gotten one? Nope. I’ve had ice cream like 2 times so far this year and 1 of those ice cream cones I shared with 3 other people haha (family members! haha)
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| Meeting Paula Deen last year. I literally can’t stand photos of me straight on like this. But Paula’s in this photo so I just couldn’t delete it, even though I pretty much hate my part of it. |
Being a food blogger opens your eyes to all kind of things. People are amazing and people are also awful. I see recipes that fellow bloggers post and if they are anything other that super healthy you can bet that with the “yum, that looks so good” comments that you’re going to have some “this is why people are fat” comments. I’m more of a “if you want to eat it, eat it” kinda girl when it comes to other people but I’ve learned that people are more than willing to let you know that you’ve made the worst food decisions of your life no matter what you’re eating? Eating normal? You should be eating healthier! Eating Healthy? You should be eating organic! Eating Organic? You should be eating clean! Eating Clean? You should be eating dairy, vegan and gluten free! If you were eating this way, you’d loose that weight– does it ever stop?
I probably could accept myself and maybe I’d be ok with me if it wasn’t for the pressure that the outside world puts on everyone. The pressure to be perfect and thin when it’s out of your control and your body is fighting with you every step of the way. How do you deal with that?
I’m working on it this year. I’m going to turn 30 this year and I’m working on loving me. My husband loves me, why can’t I love me. Who am I trying to impress? OH yeah… every freakin body.
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| Right before my 29th birthday party last year. – With my most amazing, supportive husband. |
Obviously I’m not going to give up on loosing weight, I’m freaking trying y’all, but I’m tired of feeling like crap about who I am. I’m tired of trying on clothes and crying because someone might to think that I look gross.
I’m headed to the beach in 2 days and I bought some spaghetti strap sun dresses to wear while I’m there. You have NO IDEA how hard it was for me to throw those dresses onto the cash register and hand over my debit card to buy them. I also bought a cute new shirt to wear with a pair of shorts….I don’t wear shorts.
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| This past March at DisneyWorld |
I’m starting a new chapter of loving me and I’m already scared to death and already humiliated. How can I accept something and love something that I find gross?
However, I’m using inspiration from Whitney’s No Body Shame Campaign, two new dresses and a trip to my favorite city with my best friend this weekend to kick-start it.
So with that, I’ll end this dreadfully long rambling post.
My first goal? Make it through the weekend without telling myself that I look like crap.
Ps. I’m wearing this dress this weekend….and also attempting to not hyperventilate after pressing the publish button on this post.
You’ll have to check my instagram this weekend to see if I really wore it or if I chickened out. It doesn’t have sleeves and shows my arms, I’m panicking a bit. Although I’m sure my best friend will pull me out in public wearing it, kicking and screaming.
Hey Angie! You are so amazing! I read a ton of blogs and I barely ever comment but I wanted you to know how brave and wonderful you are for posting what’s really going on in your life.
Hugs! Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by today! <3
Oh, Angie! I can only imagine how hard it must have been to push that publish button. I hope instead of hyperventilating you were able to breath a huge sigh of relief. First of all, I follow your blog regularly and have thought from the beginning what beautiful eyes you have! No joke. Secondly, obviously I can’t know truly how your feeling but I think so many of us are nodding our heads and tearing up. When I’m having a panic attack the first thing I do is write it all down, get it out privately, and then delete. How many times I have cried in dressing rooms and then spent 5 minutes trying to get myself together so I can open the door and run. I have never heard of PCOS but thank goodness someone was finally able to diagnose it. Was your doctor able to give you any suggestions as how to proceed? Is there anything they can do? All I can say is my heart is aching for you and I wish you all the luck in the world on your new journey. Think good thoughts this weekend, rock those dresses, and keep telling yourself how beautiful you are! Your husband loves you and please know your readers love you too! Sending hugs!
@karlajurentkuff:disqus, I still can’t believe that I published it. I am just no beginning to no freak out about it <3 There are lots of steps and medicines for me in the future (none of which will cure anything just help with it) So we'll see! hugs!
Here’s another great big HUG before I start. Because yes, you are not alone. And yes, the medical community sucks when it comes to PCOS. It’s better than it used to be, but you really have to advocate for yourself and know what to expect because so many are still misinformed. In my case, I became aware of it because 2 cousins ahead of me were diagnosed and when I read the symptoms, I realized it described my situation to a T. At that point, I had been suffering for 6 years with no answers. I get the feeling of always being watched, constantly judged, that people are so freaking cruel and awful and it’s really not their place to say anything. They’ll say they care, that they are concerned about your health, that it’s not healthy to be the size you are and that they’re just looking out for you, and it’s really just BS. They can’t accept that you’re different, and it makes it so much harder to accept it myself. I’ll let you in on a little secret though. By the time you get to your late 30s, you care a lot less about what everyone else thinks and start to focus a lot more on making yourself happy. But don’t be in a hurry–enjoy your youth. 😉 Angie, before I met you in person, I remember seeing happy photos of you online and seeing this bright, bubbling light of life coming from you. I was intimidated. I was worried you would think less of me, because you were so beautiful and wonderful and I wasn’t sure I could live up to what I had built you up to in my head. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Any time you want to have a bitch session about PCOS, let me know. There’s nothing quite so fun as it. Ha. (I especially loved having to discuss with my ultra-cute endocrinologist about the hirsutism…yay.) You are awesome! Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise!!!
@poetinthepantry:disqus big hugs back to you! I totally know what you mean about people trying to “help”. I have some friends that really care and some people that “care” just enough to be nosy and give their opinion. hugs!
I love your honesty!! Completely and utterly amazing to read your struggles and be able to relate to the part of just not being happy to see yourself in the mirror or a picture or on camera, and on and on. I love that you shared YOU! You are BEAUTIFUL!
Thank you, Brenda!
Don’t chicken out. Wear that damn dress! You are gorgeous and one of the kindest people I’ve met through blogging. I’m so sorry you have encountered the types of negativity you have and be sure to love yourself, it’s hard but oh so important. <3
haha I did, I did. So that I wouldn’t chicken out, I wore it on our first full day down there.
First of all, I loved your non recipe post 🙂 You are very inspiring. Second of all….all Ive ever seen is beautiful, fun, and amazing Angie. I’ve never once looked at you and seen these flaws you see. I complain about myself all the time and cry myself to sleep most nights because of how fast my body has changed over the last few years. I know you have listened to it plenty of times lol and I’m sure you didn’t see as much as I see either. People that make those remarks to you probably think they are trying to help…but you need to tell them to shut the hell up. I can’t tell you how many times last year I told people I was working out and doing Paleo and still wasn’t loosing weight and they would reply “You aren’t going to loose weight making all of those cakes you do.” …. um….I was getting paid to make those for OTHER people….and most of the time….if I did make them for my house it was because we had company or I just wanted to try out new techniques and I never even had a slice! People are just rude. Noone should matter but you..and maybe Thomas. And I already know he thinks you’re gorgeous. I am just so relieved you found a doctor who can finally somewhat give you answers! Just stay patient, keep your head up high, rock those shorts and cute summer dresses, and you will have all the answers soon!! I love you very much! Feel free to message or call me anytime you need to vent or cry I will always listen 🙂
Love you @crystalbarrett:disqus!
Hey angie, I wanted you to know I read this blog and I’m very proud of you for hitting that publish button. You are an amazing and beautiful person! I have to admit reading this made me tear up. Love you, girl and have a blast with Nikki at the beach. You are rockin that dress. 🙂
You are a brave and beautiful woman for sharing this story!! We have all felt many of the same feelings you’ve had and I’m so proud of your for having the courage to share them! Love you Angie!!! And Ps – that dress is adorable. Wear it with sass my friend! 😉
I admire you so much for sharing your story. I love the sundress and I think you look super cute – you gotta wear it!
I can’t imagine how scary it must have been to post this. You deserve SO much credit for that!! I think most women go through body issues…their whole life, unfortunately. When I was in junior high, I went through a very chubby phase, only to get so stick thin and not even realize it. Everyone would make fun of my “chicken legs” and I just kept seeing the same chubby girl. When I got older and was in my early 20’s, I finally got self conscious about how thin I was. I waitressed, and when I’d take a break to eat, if I didn’t finish my meal, I’d get comments from the other servers. Things like, “heaven forbid you actually eat” or “a few pounds won’t kill you”. I remember going to GNC in the mall to buy a big jar of protein powder. I was so embarrassed of how thin I was that I wouldn’t even wear shorts to work in the summer because I knew I’d be made fun of. Instead I’d sweat in jeans in 100 degree heat.
After I had my kiddos, I was obviously a bit heavier. And now I fluctuate between, “I’m going to eat better and get thinner” and “I love my body and I can’t spend my whole life analyzing what I eat.” Of course, my attitude depends on how my clothes fit that day. On days that nothing looks good or fits right, I want to diet immediately. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll spend my whole life this way — stressing and flip flopping and never feeling quite satisfied.
I know my issues aren’t the same as yours, and there are no health complications to make matters even tougher, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. And I think you are so brave!!! xoxo
I was diagnosed with PCOS in my early 20s and have dealt with many, many issues over the years from it. It’s a constant struggle.
I think you’re beautiful, both inside and out. <3
Angie – you are an AMAZING person and if I was there in NC, we’d be having one heck of a discussion over a couple cocktails. This was the most honest, raw and open post and I applaud you. Don’t EVER doubt yourself. The only person you have to impress is YOU – we all adore you! Major kudos on getting a doc that actually figured out about the PCOS – that’s the first step 🙂 Also, you know that you have a heck of a support system here. You have a new journey you are embarking on and I’m excited for you. It takes a while to build new thought processes and tell that negative self doubting voice in your head to shush – heck – I’m at war with mine on the daily. However, own the fact that you are beautiful, you are an awesome person and see what Thomas sees. Don’t focus on the naysayers. And that dress is stunning – you better wear it!!!! *hugs*
Bravo to you for posting such a truthful and heartfelt post. We all go through different struggles. It is a shame we have to be judged in so many ways. I know that telling you to forget all those weight jokes and comments but that is easier said than done. Just move forward and continue to take those steps to make the rest of your life as happy as possible.
Hi Angie- thank you so much for sharing your story! I am all to familiar with similar issues. I’ve found that no matter how much weigh I lose, I’m never happy with myself. I too need to work on loving myself, no matter where I am in my weight gain/loss. I have to say that you are one of the kindest people I have ever met and always made me feel welcomed. Keep you head up girl.
Oh sweetie, I’m so glad that you decided to publish this post. I don’t think you are anything but beautiful in any of the photos. Seriously. You are such a pretty, warm, funny, and kind hearted person and that radiates to those around you. Love yourself. One day at a time. You are enough.
I’m so glad you decided to share Angie. My heart breaks for you and the struggles and judgment you have had to face for most of your life. I have struggled with my weight on and off over the years, and even more than the numbers, I’ve struggled with comparing myself to others and judging myself. I just want you to know that that lingering, oppressive feeling you have of not being enough? It’s just not true. It’s a LIE. You are enough. Just as you are. Whether you lose 50 lbs. or gain 50 lbs., you are enough. Your value isn’t in the number on the scale, but who you are– a talented, beautiful, and loved child of God. I hope writing and sharing this is part of your journey to healing. Praying for lots of supportive, loving, and encouraging voices to surround you as you start this new chapter! (Beginning with that dress…it looks so good on you!!)
Angie, first off thank you for posting this. I know at least one other person in this world feels exactly like I do everyday of my life. I know in high school what it felt like to be the fat girl and how most people treat you. I can only imagine what they think of me now. I’ve heard the “oh, you have a beautiful face. Now if you just lost a little weight you’d be beautiful all over.” It’s hard to feel beautiful when others confirm that they do think what you suspect them to be thinking. I have PCOS AND thought I’d never have children because of this condition but God blessed me when I needed it the most. They needed me but I needed them much more. People who have always been thin don’t understand the struggle that over weight people go through. They haven’t lived it so they think it’s a simple fix. It’s not as simple as it seems. I look in the mirror everyday and think what’s the point in dressing up or putting on makeup when I look like crap. I compare myself to everyone I see. I even dread social interactions because I feel out of place or even worse about myself when around people because of what they may or may not think of me. You’re not alone in these feelings and I wish I could have the confidence Whitney Thore has. I’ve emailed her and told her how she gave me strength to take a risk and go back to college. She did reply to my email. She is truly an inspiration but so are you. I follow your blog and I’m so inspired by you everytime I see a post. I know you personally even though it’s been a long time I am proud to say you know you. Good luck on your journey and I wish you the best! If you ever need someone to talk to that can relate to you please feel free to message me.
Women are so terribly hard on themselves. I remember always thinking I was fat, even when I was a size 6. I look back at my college pictures and I tell myself, “I did look good. What was I thinking?” I do not have PCOS. I gave birth to three beautiful babies who ruined me physically. I didn’t carry a little basketball bump in my front like so many women did. I ballooned, despite gaining average weight during my pregnancies. I’m now the biggest I’ve ever been – without being pregnant. I never liked having my picture taken and I am definitely my worst enemy. I’ve always thought you were super cute, never thought of you as morbidly obese. Thank you for giving me some inspiration. I need to love myself a little more and not be so critical of everything I do. I do not want my daughter growing up with these insecurities. We women need to support each other and not tear each other down. You better wear that sundress this weekend! I’ll be cheering you on!
Wow, lovely share! I totally feel you, I’ve been on antidepressants for nearly 20 years and they cause weight gain. I literally have to work out every day and practically starve myself to loose any weight. Don’t worry, I don’t. I eat healthy and work out about 4 days a week and still sit at a size 16-18. I can’t believe I just typed that out! You made me want to share 🙂 At any rate you are beautiful, you’re blog is beautiful, and I love following you! Bravo for sharing your story. You are such a trooper! Keep on doing you, I think you’re fabulous!
Angie,
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I identify completely. I was always overweight. I struggle every day hearing that I’m not good enough. I’m very physically active, very conscious of health and have tried every diet under the sun. I think I do feel better on a gluten free diet but it definitely didn’t cause me to be stick thin. I just noticed I had more energy. I have dealt with PCOS. I went through a time when I didn’t have a period I knew it was hormonal imbalance but doctors didn’t address. They wanted to do IVF. I prayed and started taking Fertility Blend a natural supplement for reproductive health. I was pregnant a couple of months after I regained my period! I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You definitely aren’t alone. Cheering for you and grateful for your honesty! Have fun at the beach and wear that dress. You are beautiful. You really are. Just as you are! Blessings.
You look gorgeous. Took 10 years to get our babe’s and ever so ‘helpful’ comments from literally ever one and their mother. I spent 25 years battling bulimia and now in my 40’s my only regret is all that time and effort I spent thinking I just wasn’t good enough, pretty enough…
This why I love you: because you’re scared, and doin’ it anyways!
This is very inspirational! Great job! I know it had to be hard to hit the publish button, but I think many women feel the way you do (and did)- I know I did. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so glad you posted this. Kudos for choosing to be courageous and share. There are so many more people out there who can relate than you realize…like me.
Angie, Angie, Angie….I just want to reach right through my computer, give you a hug, and reiterate to you how BEAUTIFUL of a person you are. Beauty is so much more than size- you are kind, you are genuine, you are supportive and you are beautiful in all the areas that truly matter. I’m so sorry about your weight loss struggle – losing weight is tough! Even tougher when your happiness comes from feeding others and have a condition you can’t control. I have yet to figure out how food bloggers eat their food and stay thin- I’ve gained SO much weight and am finally learning the secret is to give it away…..or make things that no one really wants. 🙂 Hang in there and keep your head held high- you have an amazing husband who adores you and it’s time you learn to do the same! 🙂
Girl, I just sobbed my way through this entire post. As a fellow PCOS girl, I can’t thank you enough for your post. I’m going to email you later today, once I pull myself together. Hugs.
As I read this, tears stream down my face. I hurt for you, as I have hurt for myself for years. Only in the last couple of years have people stopped asking me “when is your baby due?” The advantage of getting older is I guess I am finally looking too old to be a new mom. Ovaries are the greatest blessing a woman can have, because they carry the life of the future for us. They can also be our greatest demon, with excruciating pain and terrible side effects of unbalanced hormones. There is no perfect answer, but a perfect God who knows what we are going through and always there to help. I love you Angie and I pr a y for you and Thomas often. Congratulations to you for such bravery to “lay yourself bare” and share with such honesty! You are an inspiration to me and many others! You are a talented and gifted woman! Grandma Mary often spoke of how proud she was of you. I wish she could read this, for she would surely say, “Angie, I think you are amazing, just as you are!”
I’m in the same yucky PCOS boat (and none of the treatments worked for me either), so I know how you feel. But I gotta tell you, girl, you’re GORGEOUS. I hope you’re surrounded by people who tell you that, as opposed to some of the sad stories you shared. And someday soon, I hope you start to believe it. <3
Angie,
I too struggle with PCOS. I spent most of my teens having people tell me why I was fat (always lazy, never enough activity, eating junk), and that I was worthless. It started in middle school, when puberty hit. Unlike you, I *was* a chunky kid, but by no means huge. Until puberty. There was actually a rumor in middle school that I was pregnant because I ballooned up SO fast. (Which was awful in and of itself – but worse that eventually I’d be diagnosed with something that causes infertility.)
You have to find the right reproductive endocrinologist to work with you. I finally did, and it made all the difference. We had to go through IVF because I just don’t ovulate at all, ever, on my own. But as you’ve seen on my facebook, it was worth every single doctor visit, surgery, pill, and shot.
I know how hard it must have been to hit publish, and I just wanted to say, bravo on you! You’ve helped countless other women (and honestly, anyone who’s ever been bullied about their weight) by saying so. As for learning to love your body, I highly suggest you watch the TED talk by Brittany Gibbons. It is EVERYTHING.
Sending you love, darling girl. Your journey is about to get awesome.
OK. First of all… you need to know that you are NOT ALONE in feeling (constantly) like you are fat. I look at photos of me a few years back and think, “Wow, I really looked great in that photo.” However, I remember at the time thinking how disgusting I looked. And now I’m like 20 pounds heavier. It’s always been that way. I’ve felt fat (and fatter than everyone else) since the 4th grade. It was really tough living in San Diego… the land of really beautiful, perfect people. There was constant pressure to look good and work out. I’m in a better part of the country that isn’t quite as perfect now, lol… so there isn’t quite as much pressure. But I still feel fat and think about it pretty much constantly. Every night I go to bed and think I’m going to begin my journey to skinny tomorrow morning, and then of course that doesn’t happen. It’s sort of never-ending, but I truly hope that someday I can be satisfied with how I look.
It sounds like your medical problems have prevented you from even trying to manage where you want to be weight-wise, so it’s not even your fault at all. Society sucks the life out of not-skinny people, doesn’t it?? And I hate dressing room mirrors!! You are a beautiful person… I love that you are sharing your struggles… that makes you HUMAN… and NORMAL… and you are definitely not alone. XOXO
Great post – you are braver than you know. I hope you wear that dress, it’s really cute!
Thanks for this great post–I can relate on several levels. And you look great, btw.
Good for you for posting this! I was just thinking about writing a post about women’s relationships with food and their own bodies. For research, I’ve been reading some really great books that you might enjoy- “Body of Truth: How Science, History, and Culture Drive Our Obsession with Weight” is a good place to start. On a personal side, I struggled with appreciating my body for many years. It was actually bellydance that changed my way of thinking. Previously I wouldn’t have been caught dead with my stomach exposed, but after dancing for about 5 years I suddenly started to admire the way the muscles and (yes, really) the padding rippled as I danced. It was freeing. Jiggling my hips was actually a good thing! I’ve made peace that this weight is the weight that is natural and normal for me. I’m healthy and I feel good, so why worry? As for those people who made hurtful comments to you, I wish we could all have an arm spasm and pop them in the nose for you. You didn’t deserve that- no one does! Sending you hugs and support. Maybe we should start a Facebook group for food bloggers and body affirmation!
angie, you are so brave, so sweet, and more than that, beautiful…i’m so proud of you…i hope you can be proud of you too. i’m so happy that i met you in that local restaurant and got to know someone as strong and kind as you are. i’m always here for you if you need a shoulder. i too understand the friends that dont listen or seem to not care…<3
Angie, thank you for sharing and being brave and using your blog to talk about your personal life.
What a wonderful, heartfelt post. I was 110 lbs. in high school but never felt skinny either. It’s too bad our body images often don’t match reality. Maybe one day we can stop the madness. Although never diagnosed, I’m sure I had PSOD too. My three boys are all IVF babies. It was a long, hard road, but however little ones come in to your life, they’re a blessing.
You make that dress look good! You definitely should wear it.
May I just tell you that I have loved you from the very first moment we met and that I will love you no matter what your outside looks like – Because to me, you are perfect – Inside and out!
Two snaps, girl! This post is full of courage and hope and I know you’ll do wonders on this journey. Have an amazing weekend! <3
What a brave and inspiring post, Angie. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I’m so glad you did the social media on it so I could find it on Facebook. I think so few of us escape unscathed from self-image challenges. Mine was the opposite problem. I was so thin growing up, kids would run up to me in the hallways of school and grab my wrist yelling you’re so skinny, you’re just skin and bones. I had a boyfriend call me boney-maloney in my 20’s, and co-workers (men) essentially say I had no shape at all in my suits. One secretary expressed her surprise I could find decent clothes in a size that would fit me. I guess there’s a compliment in there somewhere, but it wasn’t about me. My entire life, people said, just eat more. Just have a milkshake. Eat some bread. Potatoes. Dessert. I did. No one in their teens wants to look like a stick, which is what my mom would say (trying to motivate me). Did they honestly think I didn’t have a mirror? Jesus, I was wrapping a slip around my hips and pinning it in place to fit into my skirts better. One boss forced me to go to a company doctor because he was convinced I had anorexia. Hello. I’m just stressed and you’re not helping. At one time I was eating 4 full meals a day including a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate milkshake everyday at 4pm. And that was just to maintain my 100 pounds I finally achieved in my 20’s. For me, growing older eventually solved all that, and now I’m trying to lose weight for the first time in my life. I feel much better about myself today to be honest, and have for a long time now as I found other things in my life to have pride in, but the pain I felt, the avoidance tactics I’d use to edge out of any photograph, the lack of confidence I felt, I remember that like it was yesterday – and I just turned 60.
Oh and I want to add, you look beautiful! And I want to see you in that sundress on instagram this weekend!!
Angie–you are so amazing for posting this (not enough people are open about PCOS and body image). Body shaming and body image issues are an epidemic and I love that you’re embracing a new love yourself philosophy. And–I love that new dress. And think you were, are, and will be perfect and beautiful! You’re making healthy choices and you have a wonderful husband who loves you and a food blog community who are here for you!
What is wrong with people?!? I can’t believe the comments that you’ve had throughout the years, it is just wrong of people, and it hurts my heart to hear you have experienced that. There are a lot of women that struggle with PCOS, and I know you sharing your story will help so many. Have so much fun with your friend this weekend!
Angie, i have known you what seems like most of my life and I love you dearly. I just want you to know that when I see you or a picture of you all I see is a beautiful, amazing woman and nothing else. you are perfect just the way you are! But I totally understand how you feel. I don’t have the medical issues you do but ever since I had my kids I just can’t seem to loose the weight. I used to think I was fat at 130lbs and hated looking at myself. Geez, what were we thinking when we were younger! I admire you for your honesty and bravery in posting this. I hope you will see yourself the way we all see you one day, sooner rather than later. No body shame!!!!! Keep up the good work, you’re going to do amazing things!
Angie, I’m proud of you. I know how hard this was for you to do. Maybe it would’ve been easier to write if you knew you wouldn’t actually click publish, but you did!! Reading what you’ve gone through these past 2 decades makes me so sad and I want to hug you. People can be very cruel. You have a wonderful partner and you are so blessed. I love how you worked on changing your diet last year. You better wear that dresssss!!!
I was really moved by your article. I can definitely relate to so many of issues that you’ve discussed. I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much. I can tell you that you are definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It has really helped me.
I could go on and on like many have, but I’ll just say I agree with so many and what they’ve said. And I just think you’re wonderful. All the best to you in your journey of loving yourself (I’ve been on the same one my whole life). <3
I just want to hug you right now. I love your bravery and honesty in talking about something so many of us struggle with, but are afraid to bring up. My daughter was recently diagnosed with PCOS. It’s such a complex syndrome and affects a woman’s entire body, both physically and mentally. I must also tell you…you look gorgeous in that sundress!
Oh, Angie. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “you have such a pretty face, if you could just lose some weight.” Every single one is a scar carved on my heart but they’ve faded a lot over the years. I’m so much older than you (60) but I can relate to every word of this post. Listen to me my dear – you are beautiful, fierce, smart, and perfect exactly the way you are. And you ROCK that dress!!! Have a fabulous, fun weekend and wear whatever the heck you please!!!
Angie, I have admired you for years because of your creativity and delightful personality – I also think you are quite attractive. (and I loved photographing you and Thomas in that same polka dotted dress). There is nothing wrong with being YOU.
You’re so brave for sharing this. I can’t even imagine how hard it was to hit the post button. I hope you wear that strappy dress this weekend. It’s super-cute, and it looks great on you!
I just love you to bits Ang!! From the moment you said we were like long lost sisters, I knew I would always have your back like you’ve always had mine. Long distance or not, no matter what life throws at us, we will succeed and thrive so don’t you forget it! Body issues are the worst no matter the reason because we don’t measure up to what we think we want to be. What the heck do we know?! Lol. We are way too hard on ourselves. We need to love ourselves like Jesus does. Big hugs, sweets!!
Oh, Angie. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve read your blog (and loved your recipes!) for a long time, but never knew you walk led around with all this on your mind. Can we please meet so I can hug you? Geez! I’m not really sure the right things to say here, but thanks so much for sharing this. And I wish you the absolute best. Unsolicited advice you can totally ignore: life is short, we should spend it being nice to ourselves? Sorry, that sounds so cheesy. And trust me, I need to take that advice myself! Anyway, sending you so much love. XO
Angie,
First and foremost, I just love you so much. I want to reach through the monitor and hug you for being so brave and open with your life.
I wish the world would stop glorifying the “thin is beautiful” mentality and realize that beauty and grace have nothing to do with how someone looks on the outside!
Thank you for sharing you story, Angie. I’m sure you’ve gotten enough feedback by now to know how many of us struggle with these problems. I will say this to you, though. I’ve been heavy and I’ve been model thin and mean people have been mean to me at either size, just for different reasons. Mean people are mean and it has nothing to do with you. So the lesson here is that you must love and accept yourself and surround yourself with non-mean people who love you and have your back. Rock on, girlfriend.
I read the entire post. 🙂 And noticed about halfway through that tears were streaming down my face. I want you to know that you have been heard and that you are loved and supported. You are a lovely woman in every way. That’s what I see when I see you.
Sometimes, it takes something really bad to make you realize that the rest of the world can kiss your a**. I have PCOS. Diagnosed at 15, back when they treated it with steroids. Yay. So, I’m fairly well screwed up now. I’ve had pleurisy. Watch out for that, it comes back sometimes. I’m 5’7″ and I weigh 350 lbs. Does it bother me? Sure. I hate that I can’t always sit comfortably at say, the opera, because my hips are so wide I literally have to wedge myself in the seat. I hate that I have to spend more than twice as much on clothes because designers know they can charge that much because we big girls just don’t have a choice. I hate it when people start fat shaming me and trying to tell me that if I’d just eat less and exercise that would solve ALL my problems. Like they know me. Like they know how much I eat in a day. On the other hand, after my mother died 14 years ago, I finally realized that I don’t give the tiniest damn what the rest of the world thinks about me. No, I’m not the healthiest person out there, but that’s actually not because of my weight. I do know that I’ve met plenty of skinny people that have way more health issues than I do. I also know so many skinny people that eat two and three times as much as me and all crap as well. My husband and I eat pretty healthy most of the time because we want to be around for each other as we get old and frail (HA!). I still have issues with my body. I still hate pictures of myself. But I also know that I’m nowhere near as ugly as the nasty kids that teased me into crying myself to sleep at night tried to convince me of. I know that I am a strong, beautiful woman. I’ve been through so many things that would just emotionally break that skinny b*atch next door that thinks she’s all that because she wears a size 2 and eats rabbit food. Well screw that. I like food. It tastes good and it’s fun to make. I refuse to make myself miserable because the rest of the world thinks there’s something wrong with me the way I am. I’m trying to get healthier for myself. Because I want to be able to enjoy my life better. And because I’m tired of my clothing bill (just spent $150+ on a single new bra. Kill me now.) being triple what my grocery bill is. No kidding on that one. Remember that all those people telling you how you can fix your problems all have their own. One of them might be in an abusive relationship, one might have cancer and not know. Or they might just be nasty little twerps that have a holier than thou attitude that need to remember, you don’t need them to tell you how to fix it, you just need them to listen while you vent and empathize with you. The next time someone tells you ‘you just need to eat less and exercise’, tell them to stuff it. You’re beautiful just the way you are. No one is perfect, we all have issues. That doesn’t stop you from being beautiful, loving and a wonderful person. It just means everyone that’s down on you is a shallow idiot that obviously can’t see past the physical.
Thanks so much for posting this! Your an incredibly beautiful, wonderful woman. I really think pcos affects a much larger percentage of the population to varying degrees. There’s a reproductive doc out of Jacksonville that says this. Having most all the symptoms of pcos myself, but for years being told my fertility troubles were just unexplained, I really believe that I have mild pcos. I miss the cut off for pcos in the amh test by a tenth of a point. I’ve come to think of it as a gift though because it’s not a disease, but a way that our bodies have learned to survive and preserve our fertility through past famine of our ancestors. The hard part is learning how to deal with our own individual pcos since it varies with every woman. For me I think not the pcos diet , but a diabetic diet paired with different fertility drugs and additional iron helped, with this current pregnancy. The first one was solely related to a large weight loss.
Angie I have been a fan of yours for years now! You were one of the first people that I was drawn to when I hit the food blogger/Facebook game. I think you are sweet, and funny, and smart, a heck of a good cook, and a beautiful person inside and out. I have had my own journey with weight issues, and have also thought about posting about it on my blog but was afraid of how it would be received. I can totally identify with the comments that stick in your head and play on a continuous loop! You are not a lone my friend <3
Holy moly we are similar in lots of ways! I am overweight, I don’t love the way I look in pictures, often am worried what others are thinking when around me, etc. When I hear other people talking about overweight people I often think “what in the hell do you think of me then!?” I too got married in 2007, and just turned 30 a couple months ago.
I do not have PCOS, I’m just fat because I really like to eat and don’t like exercising. lol. And I CAN lose weight…I’ve lost significant amounts numerous times but it never sticks. I get tired of working out and watching what I eat. I love to bake…I’m known for my cupcakes and decorated cookies. I love to cook and to make my hubby feel loved by cooking and baking for him. So when I bake some sweets or cook a nice dinner I of course feel like I need to enjoy it too. Ugh.
Anyway, I guess that last paragraph isn’t the reason I wanted to comment, it just happened lol. I came here to tell you something I heard awhile back. Every time that voice inside you says your arms are enormous, that your legs are mega jiggly, etc…stop a second. Ask your self if you’d say those exact things to your best friend, your sister, your mother. OR if you’d let someone else say it to them in your company. If you wouldn’t say it to them, why are you letting YOU say it to YOURSELF??! I feel like it’s good to think about that. I’m stuck with ME for the rest of my life…I’m not going to tolerate that kind of talk to my loved ones, I’m not going to tolerate it internally either. I have to be nice to myself and love myself. I’m getting much better at accepting me for me and not being hard on myself.
Hugs to you! I hope you know you are a great person who has a lot to offer to the world. I love your blog and recipes and really appreciate your openness and honesty. This girl thinks you rock. <3
Our Friends are our friends because they love us for us and when we need them them the most they are there for us. If they can’t listen to us and show us empathy when we need it the most or love us for us they are not our friends. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story with us. It is sad but not tragic because everyday you wake up and chose to get out of Bed and discover life. I love that you take the time to read all of the responses and answer your readers like we are your friends. Good luck taking care of you. Oh and it’s okay to put yourself first every now and then.
So proud of you for pressing publish and being vulnerable!! You are going to inspire and empower so many others. Can’t wait to see you in that gorgeous dress!!! xoxo
I have PCOS—diagnosed 30+ years ago when it was called Stein Levenson (?). PCOS has lots of nasty tell tale symptoms and symptoms. Just wanted to tell you that PCOS can’t define you—don’t let it-you define you. You may have additional challenges and sometimes want to shed a few tears which is okay—pick yourself up and move forward. Oh and the infertility thing that every doctor will tell you—I have two beautiful twin daughters. I let PCOS limit me for many years, it was a hard lesson but PCOS is something I have, not something I am.
I used to blog about my fertility struggles and you reached out to me once about it, commiserating, and that meant the world to me. Although I don’t read blogs like I used to, I enjoy checking in on you from time to time and am so glad I didn’t miss your courageous post about your weight and health challenges and how you are working on accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself. I’m also morbidly obese and I know how hard it can be to love an accept yourself when you don’t like the way you look. For me, buying nice clothes definitely helps!! I say wear that dress girl, and hold your head high. I also believe in faking it until you make it, so if you don’t feel confident, just smile and hold your head up and some day you will FEEL that confidence. 🙂 And for what it’s worth, I think you are beautiful at every size in the photos you shared. I hope you can feel that way about yourself soon too!
This took so much courage to share. I admire you so much!
This is a fabulous post and I am thankful you shared it!
Wow, I am completely in shock. Your post showed up in my “newsfeed” on Facebook tonight out of no where. Reading this was like reading a biography on my life. I am 26 years old and was just married last year. I gained 50 pounds in 6 months after I was married. (Going off of birth control SUCKS!!!!!) sorry, but it DOES! After not seeing any signs of my monthly friend and several negative pregnancy tests later ( yes we were and still are) trying to get pregnant I went to my OB who i had seen since I was 16. Her only answer was to exercise and eat right…but here’s the thing… I was already doing that, and still gaining weight! Like you I could barley eat anything at all, be on my feet all day and STILL gain weight. So I switched doctors, several times, before one finally seems to “semi-understand” the issues that goes along with PCOS and who wants to actually work on fixing the problems that goes along with it. It’s so hard sometimes, your post made me cry. Thank you for sharing this, it is so helpful to at least know someone else might know the pains of PCOS.Hopefully one day I will be able to have a little one in my arms and maybe even feel a little better about myself! I hope you really have found happiness and that it is able to stay around for you! PS you are gorgeous!!!!
<3 Molly! I'm so glad that you found this post. You sound like you could be my twin when it comes to PCOS. I am so sorry that you're dealing with this too! It's just awful. HUGS!
Hi Angie 🙂
This is the first time I’m ever posting on any of these blogs, but I thought I should tell you a little something about PCOS treatment options. I’m not sure if you have heard of Ayurveda, Indian Traditional Medicine. I’m not sure where exactly you live, but Ayurveda has provided cures for many women suffering from PCOS. I’m currently going through some Ayurveda treatment for my PCOS. I live in Australia, and have an Ayurvedic doctor here, and have already noticed significant changes in my PCOS symptoms. Most of Ayurveda is about knowing what imbalances our body is going through, and then correcting it through food and lifestyles changes. For example, I’ve been told that when I consume yoghurt, it increases my internal body heat, and disturbs digestion. Because digestion is disturbed, nutrients aren’t being adequately transported to the pituitary gland (where the hormones that really mess PCOS women up are made), and so insulin doesn’t function properly, and we gain weight.
From what I know from family members and friends, Ayurveda has a really high success rate at least in cutting down weight and allowing painless short periods and increasing fertility. I’m not sure if this interests you at all, but this has been a lifesaver for me. I’m still going through the treatment plan, but everything looks really positive at the moment.
This post is amazing and I’m so glad you shared your feelings! I am struggling with Anerexia right now and no matter how much weight I lose I am always worried about how I look. You helped me realize that I should love my body, it doesn’t matter if I weigh 90 pounds because I could die. You are so beautiful and I hope we can get through this together!:)
Hi! All this time I’ve felt like no one understood me, no one knows the frustrations of dealing with PCOS and endometriosis. I feel judged when I talk about my weight, people around me immediately act like those around you and say “eat less, eat healthy, exercise and you’ll lose weight” or “you just need to lose weight”. Because I’m fat they assume that I don’t work my butt off at the gym and any other time I can and they assume that I don’t eat healthy. That drives me crazy, they are so quick to judge and have no idea how hard I try and just don’t lose weight. I feel like you understand me and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Thank you for posting this it makes me feel like I’m not alone. I just wish there was an easier way for us to lose weight. It’s not supposed to be easy but it’s not supposed to be nearly impossible either. Hang in there and good luck.
PCOS is a common hormonal disorder. The most powerful recommended treatments for all types of PCOS are lifestyle modifications. Eating healthy and nutritious meals, pursuing an active lifestyle and educating yourself in detail about PCOS also helps. It is equally important to be aware of moods and ask for help when dealing with anxiety, depression and mood swings. It is not possible to attain optimum physical health if emotional health is impaired. Getting support matters.
What an inspiration you are… sending lots of love to you! 🙂
I totally don’t care how “old” this post might be, but yes to all of this. 35, just learning I have PCOS and those 5 years of stopping pill birth control led to this painful unmanageable balloon stomach. You would think the deep hormonal acne at 14, ovarian cyst removal in 2015, or continued weight gain with little to no changes in lifestyle could have been an indication since the beginning. But nope, the same journey, same docs just telling me to lose weight or wash my face more and eat better. What takes the diagnosis? One of my oncologists-long story– told me my acne and facial hair pattern and body fat storage seem to lead her to think this is all PCOS. Freaking frustrating.